Let Go
by Inu-midoriko
Summary: Despite his feelings and better judgement, he let her go. He never should have. Now he's forced to watch her from afar.


A/N: Just so we're clear, I have not read Sky's angst piece yet, so any similarities between the two are strictly accidental. We maintain, Twin Link!

Also, this is a warning fic to Taylor to start getting this groove on and jump on Wash before something like this happens. This is motivation! - Thanks, Sky :D!

Enjoy ^^.

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><p><em>Somalia 2138<em>

Their eyes met. A connection struck; wound itself around them and clung. An explosion to their left. To their right. A hundred feet ahead of them. There was no where to go- no where to hide. Commander and lieutenant stood, helpless but to watch the expressions on one another's faces as the blasts got louder; closer.

She took that first step. Reached out her hand. She touched him first- linked her fingers through his and he knew.

Alicia Washington was saying goodbye. Through her eyes, through her touch. It was something that disconcerted him- his lieutenant didn't show such emotion- and he retracted his hand from hers. Took that step back. They weren't going to die. Not here. Not now. It was something he wouldn't allow.

Nathaniel- sweaty, bloodied and dirty- watched her acceptance of his reaction to her flit across her face. She smiled. Alicia Washington didn't smile. Not even for pictures. This was her goodbye. Her final words, though implied rather than unspoken, sent a jolt to his heart. His feet kicked in and before he realized exactly what he was doing, he lunged. Nathaniel Taylor dived for her waist and took her to the ground. His body wouldn't offer much, but it was something. He covered her body with his, shielding her from the blasts, gun fire and debris.

Alicia lay stiff under him, for a moment having no choice but to close her eyes tight. She was aware of what he was doing. Offering himself up for death first if it were to come. Ayani would be heart broken. She couldn't allow him to do this. He had a wife, a son. Family. Opening her eyes, she came face to face with him. Blue-green stared into amber brown. She questioned why he was doing this through her frown. He offered nothing but a grin. The trademark Taylor quirk of the lips. So carefree, rogue- dangerous to a woman's heart if she wasn't careful.

It was precisely at this moment that something happened within her. A warmth spread through her chest as her heart skipped a beat before kick starting into overdrive. Her stomach sank into the pit of her stomach but not from disgust or fear. It was an emotion she hadn't felt in years. Her cheeks burned but she refused to look away from him. A fondness, a weak spot, for him developed where she lay- helpless under his weight to do anything but silently thank him for saving her life, reprimand him for risking his for hers.

"Hey, Wash." he mouthed over the blasts. It was the first time he called her Wash. She scrunched her face at the name but couldn't be bothered to correct him.

A moving figure behind her CO caught her attention. It was an enemy. He trained his gun on the man she owed her life to. She couldn't be sure- but she thought she heard a scream. A scream entirely too feminine to be anyone else's but hers. It sounded through her ears. Taylor turned his body to see what the cause was for such a strong reaction from her. With her gun in her hand, she lifted it. A clear shot. With no hesitation she took it, aimed, pulled the trigger. The man went down. They looked around for anyone else wanting to end their lives immediately.

A bomb dropped close to them. Too close. She saw it before it landed- had barely enough time to widen her eyes and she flip their positions. She hid his face and body under hers. She was smaller than him- making the effort seem pointless- but it was an effort nonetheless.

Dirt and branches flew everywhere around them, scraping their skin, marring their flesh, burying into their hair. They closed their eyes and held onto one another as the ground shook close to their dormant bodies.

Moments went by with silence to follow. A stillness swept around them and for long moments, they couldn't help but wonder if they went deaf. With wide eyes, their heads came up and they looked around them. Their hearing had indeed gone temporarily. Their team… their soldiers crowded around them, flailing their arms, grins of joy on their faces.

'We won' was what they could read from their lips as they were hauled to their feet. A band of them crowded around them, checking for any major injuries while the rest of the army raced to the enemy side to arrest the men and women standing with their hands up.

Alicia and Nathaniel, Lieutenant and Commander, looked at one another. Smiles broke out on their faces.

They won.

It was the first time he saw her truly smile. It was the first time- as she gazed up at him; adoration shining in her eyes- that someone was able to sneak a photo of her, smiling. of all things.

Five days later, he went back home to his wife and son.

Never before had he had so much trouble forgetting the colour amber brown.

* * *

><p><em>Terra Nova 2149<em>

They were, some would say, a couple in the closet. They'd been around together for a better part of fifteen years. They knew how the other thought, operated. Planned. They'd been through thick and thin, heaven and hell. Mostly hell. They were perfectly in tune, perfectly in sync with what the other was feeling. Most of the time upon entering the room they knew when to push and when to back off. When to be there in silence and when to talk through it.

They were commander and lieutenant, sounding board and punching bag, best friend and rival. Of everything that they were, they had never been lovers. Never been in a relationship outside of the friendship boundary.

It was known throughout most of the colony where their feelings lay, what they were willing to step over, and what they were not. It was clear to the civilians but hopelessly clouded to them. They never talked about it. Not once uttered a word about one another's feelings. There was love. That was undeniable.

They both had it, they both shared the feelings and yet for reasons no one but them knew of, they restrained themselves. Wouldn't allow their relationship to stray past what they knew. In a way, and in many opinions, it was cowardly. But it had to be done.

The tenth pilgrimage held one hundred people the lieutenant and her unit had to gather and recruit back to Terra Nova base. She was the most experienced field medic- naturally she had to go and ensure things went smoothly. Naturally, there was always someone that went into cardiac arrest and she had to use her logic and experience to keep from panicking. She always kept her cool but this time it was a child. A child had never gone into cardiac arrest before. Not on her watch.

Very carefully she executed everything she would to a normal adult and waited until the little girl could answer basic questions before moving out. She eyed a family of five for a few moments before radioing the situation back to base. When she was done, she put her comm. away and scanned the area for any threats. She checked and double checked her area. Triple checked the other's that came before her.

It was when she felt a presence near her that she turned her head a moment and spotted a tall man near her age. He was walking close, glancing at her every few moments. His hair came down into shaggy curls. It suited him, but just barely. He would look better with a hair cut. She glanced at him, wondering what on earth he was trying to do, when he turned his head to her at the same time. His eyes were bright blue, wide with having been caught.

Alicia rolled her eyes and kept walking. Men.

"Hey." without turning around she knew it was the man stealing glances at her.

She turned her head to him a moment, a look of impatience sent his way. It didn't seem to falter him.

"I- uh… That was really impressive back there. With the girl." he tripped over a branch seconds later and lunged forward. Wash snaked out a fast hand and steadied him on his feet.

"Just doing my job." she replied and grinned to herself at the flush on his cheeks.

"Yeah. I…" he started once again and she turned back to him with a raised brow, silently asking him what the hell he wanted now. "I like your hair."

With her brow raised, her lips involuntarily quirked. Mirth danced in her gaze at his exclamation. "My _hair_?" she asked. In all honesty, she had no idea what to say to that. Of all things to comment on, he chose her _hair. _She'd be lying if she said it didn't take her completely off guard.

"Yeah, it's nice." his cheeks became impossibly red. Alicia couldn't help it. She chuckled. She chuckled and walked faster muttering, 'My hair… of all things, my hair…' as she went about her duty in keeping the new civilians safe without petty distractions.

The man frowned slightly; deflated. He saw nothing funny about this.

#

Commander Taylor was an observant man. He prided himself on being able to pick up on qualities, emotions, subtle hints. He knew the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, beautiful and dull. He could look at something and see it's beauty, inside and out. He could walk by a passing woman and know instantly how attractive she was.

Nathaniel Taylor knew exactly how attractive his lieutenant was. He knew exactly what her presence did to some of the soldiers. He knew exactly what kind of effect she had on some of the younger men of the colony. She'd been pursued before by soldiers and civilians alike. She'd rejected each one. They were cocky, arrogant. Too ill tempered. She would claim her heart was claimed by another and never share who. Everyone knew. _He _knew.

Because she had his too.

As much as he wanted to, he would never cross that line. As much as watching a new colonist attempt to speak with her- and flush almost idiotically when she finally gave him her undivided attention- sent jealousy and unease through his veins, he wouldn't stop it. They were three months into having received the tenth pilgrimage and already she was receiving attention. He wouldn't step in when he saw her smile at something he said, wouldn't intercept when she saw a look of uncertainty on her face but nod and speak regardless.

He was Commander Taylor, leader of Terra Nova. He put this cause- their future- first. Above everyone. It didn't matter that he loved her so much it hurt. It didn't matter that every time he played dumb, it hurt her. And it most certainly didn't matter that this man stole a kiss from his lieutenant's cheek.

Nathaniel Taylor watched as the man pulled back slowly from her and stood, openly terrified by her reaction to his bold move. The Commander put his weight onto one foot and leaned his hands against the railing. His eyes narrowed in on her.

She stood, staring at the man. No emotion showed on her face as she looked up at him. She said something slowly and it had the man before her grinning- ducking his head- flushing a brilliant shade of pink.

Alicia's gaze was filled with humour. She was actually amused by this. Taylor scoffed. He turned his back because that's all he could do. It was all he would permit himself to do.

She could be happy- without him. She could be happy with another man. One that would shower her with the love and attention she deserved. Someone that would put her first.

She could be happy; he could watch from afar.

And yet it hurt to think of anyone other than him holding her heart.

#

Alicia Washington was not an affectionate woman. She didn't go for cute, she didn't cuddle and she most certainly did not find shyness and hesitation adorable on a man. And yet, this one, James Noah, had managed to make her grin, smile, chuckle and altogether find him a delight to be around.

He worked for Malcolm in the research labs so she didn't exactly have the time to see him even if she wanted to. But somehow, no matter what kind of a day he was having, he always found an excuse to walk by her and have a polite conversation. The man had been here all of three months and he still got turned around. Took a right when he should have taken a left.

Wash stood by the Command Centre, readying herself for a day of basic combat training the new recruits. "Hey, lieutenant." she knew that voice. Her head came up from her fiddling with the gun in her hands and she greeted James with a small smile. "Mr. Noah." she nodded, and went about her task. Just a few more adjustments and she'd be done.

"Oh, please, call me James." she said nothing to this. She didn't know what to make of him. He seemed like he was making advances but they were awkward, always second guessed. "Would you like to have dinner with me?" he blurted and this got her attention. She stopped what she was doing and turned to look at him.

He stared so sincerely at her. This man, James, barely knew anything about her. He didn't know what she liked to eat, didn't know how she acted, didn't know her taste in men and yet he was so clearly smitten with her. Regardless of her iron grasp on her emotions, a certain warmth spread throughout her.

It was a warmth she hadn't felt in a long, long time towards anyone other than her Commanding Officer. It was this fact alone that she allowed herself to accept his dinner invitation.

Alicia, despite being flattered, saw his incoming move. She'd have to be blind not to see it. And yet she allowed the gesture. She allowed this man to steal a kiss from her cheek. It was innocent. So innocent she couldn't help but wonder how badly his heart had been broken to make him so hesitant, so eager yet so reserved.

"Congratulations, you just won a trip to Boylan's bar with yours truly." He ducked his head, a quirk of a smile on his lips and he blushed. It was cute. Too cute. He had a certain vibrancy. Innocence. It was fresh, new. Against her better judgement- despite her feelings for Nathaniel, she found herself liking James. He was…different. In a way she couldn't explain. He left her feeling good about herself. He left her feeling beautiful. Wanted.

She shouldn't want to see where this went. She shouldn't be curious about James. Alicia Washington, should not be curious about whether or not she was capable of loving him.

And yet despite telling herself to get over it, to cancel on him; she couldn't. She was still a woman. A woman with needs, emotional and psychical. She'd been denying them too long and this man- this adorable man- came in and swept her. Floored her.

Wash looked to the Command Centre and caught Taylor's retreating form. Her eyes cast down to the ground. Nothing would change. He would stand by and watch her thrive regardless of his feelings for her. He would stand by and watch men make romantic advances on her regardless of how much it bothered him. She clenched her jaw and made her way to the combat field.

And he would stand by and watch her accept a dinner invitation no matter how much it hurt.

#

Taylor made a point of not going to Boylan's as much as humanly possible. He made it a mission of his to stay far away from the place unless absolutely dire. Tonight, it as dire. He needed a drink in a social setting to take him away from his thoughts.

He hadn't expected Alicia to be here with James. Taylor half contemplated turning around and walking the other direction and then stopped himself. For God's sake, this was ridiculous. He never staked any claim on her. They weren't together. They weren't even lovers. He had no right to act this way. And yet it didn't sting any less to hear her laugh at something he'd said. It didn't sting any less when he sat down and watched them interact and he saw how relaxed she was.

She was growing more and more fond of James. He could see this. Everyone around them could. He pretended not to notice the way she glanced at him every so often. Pretended not to notice the glances from everyone else expecting him to cut in and take this woman as his.

They all thought him a fool. He thought himself a fool. He knew she would die for him, as he would for her. They were, as Skye had once said, perfect. Like coffee and biscotti; tea and honey. Flowers and rain. A perfect bittersweet combination that just needed a little push, a little forward experimentation. Sometimes Taylor wondered if maybe she was right. If maybe he just said screw it and took her as his like he should have done years ago, they would work. Everything in his heart said yes.

His mind, though, knew better. And it was his mind he listened to. Taylor chanced another glance in their direction and locked gazes with amber brown. She was expecting him to do something. To interrupt, make an excuse for her to leave her date.

Nathaniel raised his glass in her direction, a silent congratulations.

He saw the sadness in her eyes clear as day. It was subtle, but open to him. She nodded and James turned to see who she was silently conversing with. James' bright blue eyes caught his and he smiled. Damn it if the smile wasn't open, genuine. Contagious. Nathaniel allowed a small smile of his own before paying Boylan for his drink and leaving. He didn't look back. Didn't need to, to know Wash's attention was once again stolen.

Didn't need to look back to make his chest rip apart.

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><p><em>Terra Nova 2151<em>

She wished he would let her love him. Wished she could be the one he relented everything for. She wished that when she said two sugars, he knew she actually meant three. She wished that when she told him of her engagement three months ago, he said no and fought for her.

Alicia Washington wished Nathaniel knew exactly how much this tore at her.

"You look beautiful." she turned to the voice. Her heart skipped. Nathaniel leaned against the door of the Command center where she was getting ready for her day. She was, after two years of dating, two years of falling for James Noah, getting married. And yet her heart still throbbed for the man in front of her.

She stood alone in the room, waiting for her cue to walk down the stairs when everything was ready. She wore a traditional white dress. James insisted on it. She would have been happy with her ceremonial uniform but he gave her an un-amused look and argued with her for weeks on it. She relented to make him happy.

"Thank you." she said in a low tone and turned back to the mirror Elisabeth Shannon had brought from her home.

Nathaniel stepped further into the room and held out his elbow. "Ready?" he asked and she looked at him. Really looked.

His wasn't ready for this. He accepted it, but wasn't ready. Her CO was hurting. Torn between needing to stop her and see her off like he'd insisted. A way of truly letting her go, she assumed. It hurt her as much as it hurt him. Tore at her heart as it tore at his. Ripped her soul as it ripped his.

She looped an arm through his but stayed put when he took that first step to truly setting her free. "Tell me not to." she whispered.

He wanted to. Was tempted so very badly. He couldn't be that selfish anymore. "He loves you."

"I love you." She closed her eyes against the confession but it was out there. "I've always loved you."

Nathaniel stepped close to her, took her chin in his hand and pressed a kiss to her lips. His first and final contact with her in such a way. "I can't- won't- put you before the colony. I can't. You need someone who will. Marry James, live a happy life. Live the life I tried and failed at."

She closed her eyes against his command but she nodded regardless. Because he was her commander and no matter how much marrying another man hurt them both, she would do it. To free him. To free her. She would do it for the good of the colony. She would do it because the man waiting for her, loved her.

He guided her out the door and for the life of him, he didn't know how he possessed that kind of strength. He lead her down the stairs and together, side by side, they walked the length of the market, through the crowd of colonists gathered around to watch the ceremony take place. He guided her to the front of the gate; her future with out him in it.

Together, side by side, they walked down the road to separate ways. Together, they let one another go. Alicia was in a daze. She heard the minister talk, heard the vows be spoken and repeated. She heard James whisper how beautiful she looked. She remembered thanking him, looking at him. Remembered why she was marrying him. James Noah loved her unconditionally. Wanted her, all of her. Put her first, made her feel like she was the only woman to ever walk the grounds of the colony. He made her feel loved. It was intoxicating and somewhere through the mess of this, she loved him too. But her heart. Her treacherous heart, would always belong to Nathaniel. She knew this. The very man himself knew this.

"I do." she said and it sealed the deal. Her future. Despite her smile and enthusiastic kiss to her husband, she couldn't help but picture her CO being the one to receive her vow. When she opened her eyes, she couldn't help the sadness that flooded through her entire being.

* * *

><p><em>Terra Nova 2156<em>

Nathaniel Taylor watched from his usual spot from the Command centre as four year old Cameron Noah giggled around his mother's legs. "Cameron, you know I don't like you walking in front of me like this." she said sternly and the little boy put his hands behind his back in mock military attention stance; took deliberate long steps. Which weren't very long considering his age and height.

Amber brown eyes looked up in passing the Center on her day off and met blue-green. Taylor smiled fondly at the boy; turned the smile onto Wash and couldn't help but feel proud. He allowed himself the guilty pleasure of pretending, just for a fleeting moment, that Cameron were his own. That it was he who had a beautiful son with her instead of her perfect husband.

"Uncle Commander!" the boy exclaimed and excitedly took the stairs. Taylor grinned at the boy and met him half way. He picked Cameron up and placed a kiss to his forehead. "Morning, soldier." he greeted. Cameron giggled, his green eyes showing mirth, adoration for the man that held him.

"Morning, sir!"

"Where you headed today?"

"We're having dinner at Uncle Jim's today."

"Yeah?" he asked, feigning ignorant. He'd received that invitation. Declined it. It stung like an open wound constantly having salt poured in when he saw Alicia with James. She'd learned to really, truly love the man. Nathaniel smiled down at his lieutenant for a moment before allowing the four year old to amuse himself among the grass.

"Anniversary is coming up soon." To a passer by, it would appear as if he were speaking about her and James. To the both of them, they knew better. Five years a week from today he let her go. Five years a week from now, she let him get away with it.

"I know." she whispered and for the first time in a long time, he really looked at her. He really looked and saw into her gaze.

His heart thudded fast, his eyes closed a moment. She still loved him. She would always love him. Nathaniel Taylor took that first step. Reached out his hand. He touched her first- linked his fingers through hers and she knew. He still loved her too.

It was a guilty pleasure. To know they still held a burning love for one another. "I wish it were me." he whispered to her, his tone low.

She closed her eyes, took that first step back, retracted her hands from his. "You had that chance." Despite her better judgement, hope flooded through her. "Are you changing your mind?"

Taylor's jaw clenched. He'd changed his mind the moment he saw her in that wedding dress and walk down the line to a man that wasn't him. "No." he lied. Because it was safe. Cowardly; but safe.

She sighed, not really expecting her desired answer. "Come Cameron, Uncle Jim and daddy is waiting for us." Cameron ran to his mother and gripped her hand in his.

"See you later, Uncle Commander!" the boy called, his dark locks bouncing about his face as he turned his head to look back at him. Taylor smiled and waved. Watched her go. Watched _them _go.

It hurt, it stung and it killed him faster each day, but he would have to be content watching from afar. He would have to be content to watch the one he loved live a happy life with a perfect man, a perfect child. He'd watch Cameron Noah grow up and wish with everything that the boy was his.

Nathaniel would wish with all his being that he had told her not to go through with the wedding. But he hadn't. He commanded her to go through with it because it was what she deserved. It was everything he couldn't give her.

Regardless of his love for her, Nathaniel Taylor let her go.


End file.
